The Bachelorette (Episode 15.03)

Season 15, Episode 3
Date of airing: May 27, 2019 (ABC)
Nielsen ratings information: TBD

In which Luke Parker and Cam became the same person in these 84 minutes, because of their obsessive ways of seeing something in Hannah that isn’t their next girlfriend or their future wife. Both Cam in the first half, and Luke in the second half, had some serious issues in keeping calm and letting things run like they are supposed to run on this dating game competition, and in hindsight I have no idea why they thought they could just rewrite the rules of the Bachelor franchise, and think that they have won Hannah’s heart already, just because they thought of themselves as more bold and more courageous than any of the other guys. That made both guys problematic, more worse than the other, and I am almost thankful that one of them was sent packing after the rose ceremony, while the other one was given a stern warning, which means if Luke hasn’t listened to Hannah, then he will certainly be leaving Los Angeles after the next episode, which might not be such a bad decision.

John Paul Jones gives birth to pain.

And with “one worse than the other,” I do mean Mister Parker in that regard, because he really was an awful human being in this episode. He thought he had it all figured out, he believed he already had Hannah for himself (maybe because he was able to sneak into her room at the end of the previous rose ceremony and most likely spending a few hours with her), he even proclaimed that it should have been him taking care of Hannah when she was sick, that Hanna thinks Luke should have been with her instead of Connor, that Hannah is actually comparing all the guys to him, the self-proclaimed winner of this season of THE BACHELORETTE. There was a “beautiful” quote of Luke’s in this episode that made me wonder if he was actually right in the head, or whether he has some serious obsessive and controlling issues: “It’s really frustrating to see these guys go ahead of me. […] There’s some really good guys here, but I mean, she has to compare them with me. And I know that when she does that, she’s gonna be like ‘Man, these guys are great, but they’re not Luke Parker’.” Maybe he meant it as a joke, maybe the editors of the Bachelor franchise made Luke shine in a really bad light here, but maybe the guy really is a little messed up in his head and for the first time he is learning what it’s like for something to not go the way he imagined it to go. Maybe the guy had a game plan that would lead him to a win, but now he realizes that his game plan is garbage. Or maybe it’s just all of the above, plus the pressure of dating an attractive woman with a bunch of other guys at the same time. Besides that, there is a sign of Luke P. being extremely controlling in general, which can never be good in case he does win this season and gets into a relationship with Hannah. Maybe Hannah’s best friend and returning guest star Dani should have looked out for that instead of guys with an insincere heart.

The group dates were fun to watch. The first one taught then men what it’s like to be pregnant and to be a mother, while also learning something about female sexuality, while the second part was fun in general, in spite of the shameless THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2 promo all throughout, although it was to be expected that the season would hammer out promotion left and right at some point. The first group date showed me that it’s quite easy to teach men about female sexuality, pregnancy and motherhood (even without the help of Hollywood B-listers like “the guy from AMERICAN PIE” (John Paul Jones didn’t know Jason Biggs’ name, or that he starred in other productions than that movie with Shannon Elizabeth masturbating in a teenage bedroom that wasn’t her’s?), and it made me wonder if some of the women representatives in Congress could give most of the Republican men in the House and Senate the same kind of lesson, just so we can all see that they are creating anti-women laws not because they don’t understand female anatomy and sexuality, but because they are anti-women. I would also love to see Republican men being administered with electroshocks that simulate child labor, although I have no idea how those shocks were able to simulate child labor in the first place. It was nice to see Jenny Mollen though — she should be in more stuff, which preferably isn’t a reality television show.

The final note is the best one for Hannah to find.

Meanwhile, Hannah’s one-on-one date with the lone remaining Connor of this season (who also happens to be Caucasian, compared to the other Connor, who was Asian-American) turned out to be interesting as well. Seeing them together have a conversation in her hotel bedroom was almost sweet, and it’s like Hannah’s sudden illness was the perfect gift for Connor to be a sweet guy in general, without having to live through the pressure of surviving a potentially complex date. After all, date night in a hotel room is much easier to go through, and probably more fun as well. Besides that, what gave Connor the rose after that were his little notes he left for Hannah to find and scavenge through.

Later that week, the cocktail party turned into a tailgate party, because Hannah likes it to be among men and have a little fun. All she wanted was a perfect sunny day in a Los Angeles mansion, without any of the sad sob stories that maybe made her give a rose earlier in the episode (to Mike, after he expanded on his back story that included a miscarriage). Of course, a tailgate party needing to be a good and fun one wouldn’t be part of this episode of THE BACHELORETTE if it weren’t for Cam, who went straight-up suicidal during the party and played all his cards at one, as if he was going “all in” in a Texas Hold ’em match, while he had the second or third-most chips of all the players. I mean, he looked quite good after the previous episode, when he still got a kiss and the rose during the episode-closing ceremony, even after he barged in on group night in which he was not invited to. That he played all those chips immediately made him more desperate than Luke Parker, but at least Luke was just possibly nuts. Cam was just dumb and ridiculous with his game plan, so he burned up and had to pay the price at the end.

Group date picture, presented by an animated motion picture.

Best part of the episode: All those sweet pets during the second group date with all those attractive guys, sometimes even ripping off their shirts for that photoshoot. It was easy fun, compared to the first group date, which was torturous fun (for Hannah). What a shame that this episode didn’t have more playtime between the guys and the animals.
Worst part of the episode: Cam and Luke P. had no clue. During the first group date, it was Cam who interrupted (mostly Mike), and during the second group date, it was Luke who barged in on conversations, like he has learned nothing from what the guys have probably been telling him after the dates. Those men have learned nothing, which begs the question why one of them is still part of the game after this episode.
Weirdest part of the episode: Tyler G. left midway through without saying goodbye. I guess he left in a hurry, and cameras to record the spectacle were nowhere to be found. And honestly, after two episodes and a bit of this one, I couldn’t even pick Tyler out of a line-up, which tells me that pretty much all the guys on this show look the same.
Kisses of the episode: Hannah got eight as depicted here. I am too lazy to find out which two guys were making out with her during the second group date, as she was part of the photoshoot with the guys and some tongue action happened there, but Jed, Mike and Tyler C. were able to lock lips with the girls of their current dreams after the first group date, while Garrett made out with her after the second group date. Peter also made out with her that night, but his kiss was more serious and super hot, edging on being R-rated. I think he even touched her butt in that tight and short cocktail dress of her’s. One-on-one date Connor was able to smootch with her in her hotel bed, making his date an instant win!
Contestant of the episode: And Peter was the one who impressed me the most. His passionate kiss with Hannah was the thing that gave him the rose at the end of the second group date, which means he was putting it all in there. With success!

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